Thoughts on Personal Agency

Trying to reclaim your power in a selfish world

Photo by Kirill Sharkovsky on Unsplash / Edited by Author

Disclaimer: This is a personal essay that touches on abuse as it relates to power dynamics. I use my platform to write international affairs content and will continue to do so, but felt that publishing this story may be helpful to others. All thoughts and feelings expressed in this piece are mine alone.

When was the last time someone made you feel inferior? In response, did you punch back? Did you stay silent? Did you reply with forgiveness or some amiable remark?

I cannot remember a time when I could communicate my feelings without worrying about the effect of my words. Tucked away deep inside is my anger. Growing up with a parent who was a ticking time bomb — jubilant one minute and furious the next — I quickly learned how to appease. Even though I realized the injustice done to me as a child, I couldn’t voice it. I wanted to treat everyone the way I wished I had been treated two decades ago, with kindness, empathy. At the same time, I could not act on those values because the part of my heart that treasured goodness had died. Even when I am shown kindness and empathy now, I only seem to remember the negative occurrences in my life upon future reflection. I try to watch comedies, read light books — they don’t seem to change my gloomy point of view.